What terrifies is genetic, and as such more than half the population is predisposed to think drivel such as Scream is a good thrill. For that we have a gene coding variant called catechol-O-methyltransferase, and its relative popularity in most individuals, to thank. For this reason there is a high probability that you yourself are psychophysiologically hard-wired to like bad horror movies. If so, not to worry: like diabetes, alcoholism, and congenital absence of the vas deferens this is not your fault, and with proper therapy it is possible to live your life knowing truly good horror. Before you can go out on your own and watch any horror movie you deem fit, it is necessary to have an understanding of where we have been. Consider this your introduction, a Twelve Step program, and like any good psychoanalyst would suggest we need to go back in time to horror’s infancy.

Not long after the first motion picture camera was patented in 1895 was there someone seeking to use this new medium to terrify. In fact, it was one year later. In 1896 French director Georges Méliès brought the world Manor of the Devil, often credited as the first horror film. It was short and sweet, not scary at all, but mandatory viewing nonetheless. Soon America followed suit with adaptations of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein, and a number of other Hollywood productions. You may be inclined to think these are important, but you would be wrong. Instead let us skip ahead to Germany after the First World War. The German expressionists of this time were about to do something that every great horror director has done since: prove that with a cheaper budget, better story, and more creativity one can produce something much more magnificent and socially impacting than anything those filth-mongering sophists in Hollywood could ever hope to do.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

The 1920’s brought the world The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, The Golem, Destiny, and Nosferatu. Without the massive Hollywood budgets the German expressionists had to focus on style, depth, and mood to infuse their films with the life many Hollywood films of this era lack. With the rise of the Nazi party in the 1930’s many of these directors would emigrate and continue their craft with bigger budgets, fancier sets, and more realistic monsters. Universal Studios ushered in a slew of monster movies, and the rampant xenophobia leading into World War II fueled the popularity of horror films with mummies, zombies, and werewolves that embodied the sensation of Us vs. Them.

Throughout the 1940’s Hollywood would do its best to do what it does best to this day—pump out sequel after sequel to milk a trend for all its worth. Frankenstein got a bride. Frankenstein met the Wolf Man. Hell, Frankenstein even met Abbott and Costello. Luckily a group of physicists would invent the atom bomb and horror film could move into its next phase.

With the constant threat of mass extinction extolled onto the masses daily throughout the Cold War in a new nuclear era, horror took on a definitively science fiction feel. Monsters created from radiation made their first appearances, constant fear of invasion made the Body Snatchers a success, and carrying on the tradition of rubbish Hollywood brought us a teenage werewolf for the first time—and unfortunately not the last. Studios resorted to gimmicks to attract increasingly jaded audiences who had become accustomed to the rinse, lather, repeat mantra of the horror genre. 3-D monsters attacked audiences, and it was awful. British studios raised the level of gore, a decent try but without the more sophisticated effects of later films there was little bite. However, something very important was brewing in Italy with the release of the first Italian film of the sound era, I Vampiri.

Italian horror would go on to pummel its audiences with the most distorted of moods, the most gratuitousness of violence, and, quite literally, buckets of blood. Mood was the primary goal, and films such as Suspiria, The Beyond, and Cannibal Holocaust would continually push the envelope of what horror films could do. But we get ahead of ourselves, and I believe we were about to enter the 1960’s… the Golden Age of horror.

The social revolution in the United States, the Vietnam War, and the death of Kennedy produced a uniquely twisted frame of mind that could allow Alfred Hitchcock, Roman Polanski, and Vincent Price to become household names. George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead would put an absolutely horrific face on an old monster that would transcend decades. Some standouts from this era are Psycho, Carnival of Souls, Blood Feast, but it is difficult to find disappointing films from this decade. The stage was set to try and up the ante in the 1970’s, and there was some serious doubling down to be done.

I Spit on Your Grave

The Exorcist and The Omen would shock the religious, while humans were reduced to pieces of meat—literally—for such greats as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Last House on the Left, and Halloween. Depravity and immorality was at the forefront of I Spit on Your Grave, and nothing was taboo anymore. In 1980 Jack Nicholson would creep us out in The Shining. Naturally, Hollywood now had to unravel everything and produce a decade of sequels, generic copycats, and remakes of earlier films to make a quick buck off someone else’s hard work—a fitting accolade to the Reagan Era. However, as with the German expressionists, smaller cameras meant more independent films could be made by better creative minds and the modern era of horror film was ushered in, but this is a discussion for another time.

Let’s recap. You are genetically engineered to like terrible horror films. Because of this, whenever a great idea springs up in the genre Hollywood pounces on it, producing conventional chicken feed filth for the sole purpose of luring you in and fattening you up. Eventually, once you gluttons grow complacent, repulsive, fat, and are least expecting it a true Master of Horror will come along for the slaughter. With proper therapy you may never have to run around with your head cut off again.

that has been pestering her since she was eight years old. Most of the film’s trivial scenes broaden their relationship as a cutesy young couple who set up a camera to document their plight. Each night gets a tad worse as they begin to capture unexplained phenomena including voices from the mysterious beyond – sounds good so far but alas, the premise is far juicier than the executed product.

Paranormal Activity, a film by videogame designer turned director, Oren Peli, was originally shelved by Paramount but after performing well in screen tests, they gave the filmmaker the green light to create a more salable version. People love an underdog story; a film that was created for a mere $15,000.00 that has a chance to poke the corporate machine known as Hollywood. This is one of those stories which the detached industry giant was right and in one of the boldest moves in its recent history, Paramount gave the film a chance by circulating Demand It – a website that allowed its consumers to decide whether or not it wanted a national release. Due to heavy response, the studio bent to the will of the masses and took a chance.

The film is a complete bore with scenes intended to be frightening or creepy but misses the mark. A sequence in which the boyfriend spreads baby powder on the floor to track the footsteps of their elusive guest leads to a picture found in the attic of his girlfriend at eight years old was more laughable than the emotion the filmmaker desired. The film is not all bad. The last fifteen minutes begin to boil with intensity but unfortunately, it withdraws, simmers, and never reaches fruition. Paranormal Activity could have been edited into a short film for a bonus feature on the DVD, which is what Paramount wanted to do.

Consider that this film was hyped to be the next Blair Witch Project but instead revealed the most inane composition of lackluster scenes and lazy scares ever promulgated by online media. Paranormal Activity is an over-excited let down that even the most casual viewer will regard as amateur. Yes, we have seen Ouija boards before and audiences have been inundated with mysterious footsteps for generations. It’s not necessarily slashers and big budget nightmares that are craved by fans — it’s intelligent filmmaking and the ability to trick the viewer into the horrific core of subtlety.

As easy as it appears to set up a camera and press record, it takes real intelligence and research along with creativity must be a factor to convince audiences. To critics of today’s short attention span viewers, let it be known that we are much more intelligent and less gullible to accept bullshit.

20) Nightmare on Elm Street – A man in the neighborhood gets burned to death and then chases teenagers in their dreams while their bodies rest. What’s not to fear? Wes Craven’s breakthrough film has scared hundreds of millions of children and adults with a fine tuned director’s razor that hadn’t been seen since Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. We’ve been thanking him ever since.

19) Psycho – It’s amazing that people of every generation since 1960 have had problems showering alone. It is guaranteed that couple showering developed after this film was made. Everyone knows it’s just so a lover can push their partner into the knife and flee unscathed while the butcher has his way with their beau’s wet body.

18) Dawn of the Dead – George Romero always had a thing for submitting his audiences into the gory commentary of his time. Certainly he saw the breakdown of society due to the advent of the shopping mall. A killer scene includes the heroes surprise when they observe the zombies continue to window shop through the mall. One character notes that the zombies have returned to a place that was familiar to them — an observation that is utterly depressing.

17) The Descent – A group of sporty women go spelunking in the Middle of Nowhere, Nowhere only to find their zeal interrupted by a deformed offshoot of homo sapien. A more sensitve viewer would have noticed the degenerative breakdown of women when they’re caught in a bind. One might have noticed another theme to the story: Women shouldn’t be out in caves looking for adventure or they might get hurt. What century are we in? Either way, it’s a fun, horrific film that will add to your list of things you once wanted to do (spelunking) but no longer have the appetite to do so.

16) The Ring/Ringu – Although fans of both films will quickly correct you on the distinct differences between each, all will agree that they are scary as hell. Ringu tends to recieve more critical acclaim but when the American version was released, it was hailed as an instant horror classic. Creepy little girl and a cursed videotape? Brilliant.

15) The Amityville Horror (original) – This is the only film on this list that was based on a supposed true story. The controversial haunting has been on the hot plate of debate since it was first publicized in the late ’70s. Since then, it’s made a fortune for the reported victims who shared their story with the members of the press and their bright lights. As frightening as this movie may be, it still doesn’t compare to all of the horrors revealed in Cap Anson’s book of the same name.

14) 28 Days Later – Before Danny Boyle won an Academy Award for Slumdog Millionaire, he directed this intelligent horror film that altered the zombie genre forever. Fast, strong, and infected, these marauders of carnage tore through the empty London and Manchester streets to take out their victims. In our disease-fearing age, it’s good to have a visionary remind us how defenseless we are to tiny little organisms genetically modified in labs throughout the world. True story? Let’s hope not.

13) Hellraiser – A sexy, gore fest of pain and pleasure with a character who recites a quote made by Jesus in one of his last breaths. No one has ever made raw muscle and tendons look as sexually appetizing than Clive Barker. It’s S&M with a little more Sado and more Mascochism than we are used to seeing. Something for everybody…

12) Night of the Living Dead – The film that started it all. This was George Romero’s first film. Upon completion, Romero and one of the filmmakers were on their way to New York to edit the film when they heard the most disturbing news that they had ever heard on radio — Martin Luther King, Jr. had just been assasinated. This is more poignant when you consider that the main character, a black man, who is mistaken for a zombie, murdered by white lawmen, and then taken away on tenterhooks to burn in a pile of the undead

11) Jaws – If any movie had scared people clear away from the murky side of the beach, it’s this one. Enough has been said about this to even scare people who haven’t seen it to steer clear from the Great White’s dominion of savage murder. But can an animal be a murderer? Let’s consider that a great white shark doesn’t need to feed that often. This guy was out on a spree and guess what…he can keep the ocean.

10) Alien – The first film from this fantastic series can be summed up in one word – chestburster. Yes, that lovely scene in which a character is afflicted by a parasitic alien has left many people from the ’80s recoiling in fear every time some gas becomes lodged in your chest. More importantly, it is one of the few movies that transcended the horror genre and landed in many all time top films lists. Ridley Scott gave horror fans a film that they could argue the genre’s legitimacy.

9) Hostel – Eli Roth’s landmark film did two things — both of which become a single paradox: 1) Suddenly made Eastern Europe a desirable place to visit. 2) Made Eastern Europe a place that must and always be avoided. After viewing, many wondered if murder could be marketable like a spa or mud bath but most of us refused any further consideration and just booked our tickets to find the single hot women of that region, thinking, “We’ll take our chances.”

8) Saw – A character known as the Jigsaw killer who tortures, maims, and murders in the most creative of ways to teach his victims a life-changing lesson. Sounds like someone else I know…(see: Catholic Religion). That is all that will be said about that — oh, and also that the guy from Princess Bride is in it.

7) Shaun of the Dead – Who doesn’t love a cross-genre film? Have that scaredy cat beau who won’t entertain your favorite version of Dawn of the Dead? Put this great zombie film in your DVD player and worry no more. It’s both funny and terrifying with a second half that could be placed side-by-side to many of horror’s most frightening films. You’ll be laughing and scared while your partner decides how to feel

6) Rosemary’s Baby – Roman Polanski’s great horror these days is wondering how much time he might have to do for having sex with a 13 year old but before then, he was legendary Roman Polanski who made a film about a woman who incubated the seed of Satan in her womb. It was shot in a way that no other commercial horror film had ever been shot and was therefore a boxoffice hit.

5) Texas Chainsaw Massacre – For years we have wondered: was it really a true story? The answer is “no”, however it was based on real events and murderers such as Ed Gein whose home was decorated with lamp shades made from human skin and a woman, hung upside down with a slice that was made from her ____ to her head. Those open Texan roads have made many people squeemish, including Whiskey Dregs writer, Tamara Riddle who has on several occasions driven on that highway and admitted, “That little stretch is just eerie at night.”

4) Halloween – John Carpenter was a big fan of Psycho, which is why Janet Leigh’s daughter, Jamie Lee Curtis is the star of Halloween. Carpenter was so disturbed by the shower scene that he continued where Hitchcock left off and passed the knife on to a little boy named Mike Myers to murder his sister with, again illustrating that no one or no place should be trusted.

3) The Omen – What is up with kids and eerie music? Most likely, we can trace the beginning of that creepy combo to this film. The story goes like this: The kid has these arcane powers because he is the son of the devil. Mom doesn’t believe it until she finds the mark of the beast on his scalp. The kid or his Satan-worshipping nannie don’t want Mamma to get in the way and they do what they have to do to make sure the kid’s rise from prep-school killer to antichrist superstar is complete. The end.

2) The Shining – All work and no play make Jack a dull boy so Jack’s writer’s block causes him to attempt the destruction of his family. Most of us would have been ok with offing the meddling mom but not Danny Torrence. We liked Danny with his Shining and little pinky friend. Stanley Kubrick’s telling of Stephen King’s book was met by the author’s disapproval, however the filmmaker’s vision secured The Shining its place in cinematic history — RedRum!

1) The Exorcist – This is the film on which all others of its genre is judged by. It has caused nightmares galore and a curiosity of its subject that has secured many bestselling books discussing the rite of excorcism. Along with the film’s notoriety, is the legend behind a mysterious curse that caused the fires and deaths of nine crew members and actors, most notably that of Jack McGowan. No other film ranked as high on our writers’ lists as this one.