By Carlos Detres

[EDITOR'S NOTE 2010: PLEASE GO HERE TO READ OUR REVIEW FOR 2010. IT'S A MUCH RICHER EXPERIENCE.]

Haunted house attractions are big on this year’s lists of things-to-do for Halloween. Vortex Theater Company hatched a plan to continue its fear fest from this past summer’s A Midsummer Nightmare – a clever and seasonally atypical production aimed at those who couldn’t wait until fall to get their haunted house kick. Their latest and most aptly named endeavor, Haunted House, has been getting a lot of word of mouth, partly because it is the only attraction in which you go in alone. Oh yeah, and there’s touching too.

My friends and I sat in Peculier Pub, drinking beer, and taking bets on who would call “safety” while on the creepshow tour of New York City’s most recent addition to the thriving haunted house scene. We had poured through the manifold reviews and decided that a vat of liquid courage was necessary to slip into the mean claws of solitary darkness. I wasn’t expecting art or high-dollar effects but when it is required to sign a waiver before entering the attraction then you begin to intuit trouble.

Once at the Vortex Theater, I stood in a relatively small line of excited revelers and waited until each one disappeared behind a black drape. The first sign of disappointment was evident in the lack of screams despite being behind a pair of giggling girls. Then it was finally my go. I stepped through the drape and was commanded to stand on an ‘x’ then I was offered a shot of whiskey, “Ok, here we go,” I thought. A small cage with albino mice huddled in their nest. One of them yawned. I was handed a face mask to wear, a key chain flashlight, and was given the rules:

1. Stay on the line.
2. Put on your mask
3. Don’t touch the walls.
4. Don’t touch anyone.
5. Stay on the line (this is because I had a hard time doing so right after they turned me loose)

I watched the glowing line on the floor that guided me around the maze of strobe lights and fog, losing my balance a couple times as I reached for the walls. There were a few attempts at scares but mostly, I found myself laughing uncomfortably in the dark. At one point, a bag was put over my head and my hands were strapped behind my back with zipper handcuffs while creepy music played in the background. After a few minutes, I was set free to continue my stumble along the glowing line.

I don’t want to give the rest away but there wasn’t a whole lot that went on. Most of the time I spent at the attraction was in line, leaning against a wall. All of the talk about “safety” and stories I had read of people running off in a panic caused a wonder in me: Did I have the right location?

In spite of the dull experience, I would reiterate their warning that if you’re liable to panic attacks, etc. then this is not for you but mostly this is due to some of the precarious navigation through tight corners, strobe light flashing, and bondage that will occur. If you decide to go, make sure you reserve online in advance or they will not allow entry.