Last Friday, I went into town to distribute my little one page zine. It was a lesson or a reminder of what you can’t do in New York and so I decided to let you know what those things are in case you visit or need a reminder.

• Can’t smoke anywhere near Queensborough Plaza but you can yell and threaten a police officer while he’s giving a ticket. Miguel and I were finishing a cigarette and a cop walked over and asked for our IDs. While writing our tickets, a man became unruly at the ticket counter and yelled and threatened the cop. The cop responded by being louder than him and waving his baton. What happened next? Nothing except that Miguel and I now have to pay 50 bucks for some bs.
• Can’t park anywhere at night. Marcus parked in the Lower East Side in a section that was accompanied by a very confusing no parking sign. Apparently, “no standing” means no parking and now that sounds obvious to anyone, however the times that were designated were not. There was a difference on the sign between “no parking” and “no standing” depending on what time you “stood” or “parked” the car. What happened? Marcus got a friendly $150.00 ticket. Nice!
• Can’t stand directly outside of a bar. What happened? Miguel, Marcus and I left the gallery bar and while deciding our next destination, a bouncer informed us that we couldn’t stand “there”. We were at least 15 feet from the door but no matter – we had to move.
• Can’t dance in New York. Why? While it is not strictly enforced, people are not legally allowed to dance in a bar unless the establishment has a cabaret license. We can thank Giuliani for being the town asshole and enforcing an antiquated law. Side note: Giuliani is a fascist and don’t let anyone tell you different. Rememeber that we live in America and not Mussolini’s Italy.
• Can’t smoke anywhere. Now I understand this, believe me I do but… C’mon now… Seriously? Nowhere??? Shouldn’t there be some kind of 70/30 law like the one enforced in Orlando? Orlando isn’t a haven either. Everything closes at 2AM.
• The city that never sleeps? What a lie! Everything is done for by 4AM… That means EVERYTHING. And because a liquor license isn’t granted for anything open after 4AM that means that you can’t go anywhere but home. City that never sleeps??? Give me a break. Lie, lie, lie.
• Too many guys and you won’t get into Lit. Lit is seriously one of my favorite bars – period. Drinks are reasonable. The music is great and after a certain time, one may partake in an unmentionable favorite activity downstairs in their basement. I really love this place but if you try to go in with too many guys (more than one) then good luck. You ain’t gettin’ in. So here’s what happened: Last weekend, my buddy and I after a good night of partying decided to go to Lit at 3 in the morning. The both of us are standing in line trying to seem as if we don’t know each other but when it’s time to go in, the bouncer looks at us and says, “Sorry, too many guys. Can’t let you in.” Lit is a place that I spend good money in all of the time and because of this bouncer, I couldn’t go in and enjoy the rest of my evening with cool drinks and good tunes. I love that place so much that I’ll still throw my support but I have to mention it here because it’s not just Lit – it’s everywhere. Have a cock? Good luck.

I love New York just like every one else but if you want to go to a city that revels in freedom, go to New Orleans. Somehow these people have been successful in maintaining a healthy night life without all of these damn rules. Not one of these rules applies there. If you leave a bar at 5AM the same bar will be open when you wake up at 10AM.

Honorable mention – If you’re interested in doing your own party - good luck. New York has a law against that too. Ask the hundreds of hard working promoters who have had to fight this city to do one freakin’ venue.